“Last Resort” or Final Solution?

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatians 6:2

I had expected that as I recover from my surgery I would have more time for prayer, reading, and writing. But with physical therapy several times a day, keeping my feet up in a position that makes it very hard not to fall asleep (I’ve had more naps in the past week than in 2023, total.), and difficulty concentrating (possibly from medications?), I can barely focus long enough to pray the basics or count reps.

I’m so grateful for friends that pray for me when I can’t pray for myself, and that salvation is by God’s grace, not religious performance. I’m grateful for a church that always prays for one another, for whom prayer is not “the last resort,” it’s our lifeline.

This week I’m letting a relatively new member of the church share “divine perspective” with you, a story of answered prayer:

A little over one year ago, God answered your prayers and delivered me from utter hopelessness. 

I visited Honey Lake Clinic (which is a Christian mental health facility) as an alumni back in August.  I was blessed with the opportunity to sit with, listen to, encourage, and pray for patients who were there for a variety of reasons:  mental health struggles, trauma, substance abuse, etc.  While there, I was invited to participate in an exercise with a patient who needed a partner.  We were asked to reflect on our lives and to talk about a time when we felt the most joy / peace…

As I thought about it, I realized that I was “there” in that moment (and in this season of life).  As I write this right now, I have more joy / peace than ever before.  The Lord’s presence almost seems tangible at times.  He is answering prayers in ways that are far above  / beyond what I’ve prayed for.  It’s truly surreal and I’m eternally grateful.

So, why am I broadcasting this?  The reason is that I did not enter this season of life on a “winning streak” and I want to glorify God for what He is doing now in the “light” of this season and how He used the “darkness” of the previous season to bring me to this point.

That said, here’s an overview of the previous season.  From July of 2021 to October of 2022 (a total of 15 months), I experienced relentless “anxiety / depression” that often led to paralyzing suicidal ideations.  Further complicating things, there was no clear culprit for my struggles because my life was going well overall.  The “anxiety / depression” was completely disproportionate to my circumstances.  Here’s a brief highlight reel of that 15 months:

– I checked myself into mental health hospitals / treatment centers three different times for suicidal ideations.  I was inpatient for 40+ days (in all).

– With the help of highly respected psychiatrists, I responsibly tried 7 different antidepressant medications and various combinations of medications / supplements (in all).

– I spent 3 months in bed nearly 24 / 7.

– Although I had no desire to (and I never have) hurt myself, I begged God to take my life almost everyday because the pain / anguish was so intense.

Even with all of that and so much love, support, counseling, and prayers, nothing brought lasting relief.

Then, in October of 2022, the Lord delivered me from hell on earth.  It was the third week of October and I was going from bad to worse again.  I thought I was going to have to check myself into another mental health hospital just to be proactive / safe.  I was so exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I had lost hope that medication would help me (even a little bit).  My lifelong struggle with shame was at its peak.  Although I didn’t want to hurt myself, I had no desire to live.

As I was considering what mental health facility I might go to next, I decided to send out a prayer request to my new church that I had joined a few months prior after moving from Dallas to Louisville for work.  I was / am a covenant member and covenant members are allowed to send emails that go to all of the other covenant members (+/- 800 people).  In desperation, I sent an email to the entire church with an overview of what I had been through during the previous 15 months (which was similar to what I’ve shared with y’all here).  Ultimately, I asked them to pray for me.  I didn’t know what else to do.

Within an hour of sending that email, the “anxiety / depression” was gone and I haven’t experienced it to any degree since then.  To be clear, nothing had changed circumstantially.  For reasons that are above me, the Lord decided that was the day that He was going to answer the prayers (both past and present) for my restoration.  After 15 months of suffering and so many attempts to find lasting relief and help, the Lord used a prayer request sent to my local church to lift me out of the valley of the shadow of death.

One year later, I’m writing this as I sit on a plane and I’m in even more awe of God’s grace and mercy.  Although I’d prefer to never experience anything like that previous season ever again lol, I can genuinely say that I wouldn’t change my story if I could.  God used it to increase my trust in Him.  He used it to increase my love for Him and others.  He used it to increase my compassion for others (especially those who have suffered in similar ways).  Ultimately, He brought me down to lift me up and the mess is now a message 🙏🏻

_______

If you’re still with me, I hope that you’re marveling at the grace of our incredible God.  No matter what you’re going through, please:

– Don’t stop crying out to God and asking others to cry out to Him on your behalf.

– Don’t forsake the spiritual disciplines.

– Don’t withdraw from the people of God.

– Don’t stop fighting.

– Don’t give up.

I love you church and I’m eternally grateful for y’all.

Prayer: Our gracious Shepherd, thank You for the gift of Your Church, the “Body of Christ.” Thank You for not requiring us to live the Christian life alone but allowing us – commanding us – to come together regularly to share our joys and struggles. If there are those who have wandered from the flock, thinking they can make it without the Church, please use this testimony to bring them back safely into the fold. In Jesus’ name, amen.