I’m Not Clutching My Pearls, I’m Rolling My Eyes.

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Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. – Ephesians 4:29

Maybe as a Christian, I should be outraged at the “unwholesome talk” that is rampant daily in our society. But with everything else that’s going on to be outraged about, I find this issue close to the bottom of the list.

Not that foul language isn’t something to be concerned about. It is, but not because it somehow assaults my delicate sensibilities. (I’ll survive.) The degree to which I’m concerned, and how I should respond involves why that kind of language is used. I can think of four possible reasons:

#1. Ignorance In general, people speak the way they learned. Their parents spoke that way, maybe the neighbors spoke that way, and when they speak that way, the people around them don’t think anything of it; it’s just the language of the day.

#2 Desire for attention There are others who use this language, knowing it’s offensive to “uprighteous” members of society in order to elicit a response. Seeing the shock on the faces of the holier-than-thou ladies clutching their pearls won’t deter these individuals; on the contrary, shocking these folks gives them a sense of power. They have one problem, though: is anyone seriously shocked anymore? “Shock” usually involves an element of surprise, and these days this language is about as surprising as manure on a farm.

#3 Anger/rebellion The motivation is similar to the attention-seekers, but more malicious. They deliberately speak in ways they know will offend, wanting to distinguish themselves from the establishment they despise, for whatever reason. Profane or obscene language is their way of expressing anger, and these people seem constantly angry.

#4 Laziness Then there are those who are just lazy. They know there’s a better way to express themselves, but honestly, it’s just too much trouble to come up with the words. So, they resort to the generic vocabulary of the uneducated.

These days, I see the social media pages filled with redundant f-words. When these are not enough to get a reaction, they relate the words to God or to mothers or some other attempt at making them even more “shocking.” But the rest of us aren’t shocked. Or impressed. Or angry.

Personally, I’m just bored.

Sometimes, I feel sorry for the “potty-mouths,” wanting attention so badly and yet lacking any creative originality. I feel sorry for the pearl-clutchers, too. Don’t these righteous people have a ministry to attend to?

Outrage, annoyance, boredom, pity -What is the Christian response?

#1 The Ignorant Getting angry at or judgmental of the first group is a waste of time. If people don’t know any better, they don’t know any better, and they are just as much in need of Jesus – and just as reachable – as any other sinners, including you and me. Trust me, giving them dirty looks isn’t going to cause them to fall on their faces, crying, “What must I do to be saved?!” It will only convince them that you’re an angry, hateful person. And who wants to be one of those people?

When I taught at a public high school, one day a student shouted across the cafeteria at another student, “JOHNSON, YOU SUCK!” He immediately felt a tap on his shoulder and found himself face-to-face with the assistant principal.

The man calmly suggested, “I think you meant to say, ‘You are behaving like someone possessing no redeeming qualities whatsoever.’ …?”

Visibly impressed, the young man pointed to the assistant principal and shouted, “… WHAT HE SAID!”

I don’t remember if this incident was the inspiration, but that semester I initiated a new game in my English class called “Say What?!” It was, in the words of the inventor (yours truly), “A way to utilize alternatives to those words your elders have come to know and hate.” For a few minutes at the beginning of class, we took a popular expression that I had put in the “jargon jail” with some of the letters hidden behind bars (Example: “b*t*h), broke up the class into small groups, and had them brainstorm to see which team could come up with the most alternative words (ex: “shrew”) or phrases (ex: “cantankerous woman”) to replace the incarcerated word. The kids not only increased their vocabulary, but they also continued using these words and phrases (in my class, anyway) after the game was over.

#2 Attention Seekers Psychologist James Dobson describes the “Law of the Soggy Potato Chip.” It says, basically, that kids want attention, even if it’s negative attention. (Eating soggy potato chips isn’t the best, but it’s better than starving.) When Jesus encountered the neglected and overlooked, their lives were transformed. You may not know why people crave attention, but Jesus knows. Before attempting to deal with their language, pray for them. Then ask the Holy Spirit to help you set a better example and lead you in how to reach out to them.

#3 The Angry Similarly, dealing with the angry speakers of obscenities, compassion may seem counterintuitive. But ask yourself, Why is (s)he so angry? If the reason isn’t evident, pray for that person. Then, if the situation allows, get to know him/her, setting an example of better communication.

#4 The Lazy As for those who know better, why are they not making an effort to communicate well? Do they feel there’s no point, because no one is listening anyway? Perhaps if we engage in some “active listening,” asking questions, or good-naturedly/humorously suggesting alternatives, the way the assistant principal did in the cafeteria, they might be inspired to be more articulate.

Prayer: Father, as Your Word says, we all fall so short of Your glorious standard. And while there are times we must deal with the sins of others, help us first to love them, the way You love them, the way You have loved us. In Jesus’ name, amen.

I recently posted a series on Christians and judging.

“Don’t Judge Me!” Part 1: To Judge or not to Judge?

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Published by seekingdivineperspective

I am a forgiven sinner and adopted child of God, seeking to see life from His perspective - as opposed to the world's flawed perspective - and living my life accordingly.

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42 thoughts on “I’m Not Clutching My Pearls, I’m Rolling My Eyes.”

  2. I agree. I work in a steel mill and cursing is a bit of mill culture. Growing up, I never really learned how to pull off swearing and now as an adult I stay away from it largely due to my faith. Although some of the guys will occasionally apologize for their “mill talk” due to a lady being present, most don’t hold back when I’m around and I’m never offended by it. I never feel it’s targeted or malicious, just another day in the office. I personally attempt to follow Christ and lead others to Him simply by keeping my thoughts, words and actions clean to the best of my ability and I absolutely agree that lecturing people on their language isn’t likely to win many hearts.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your experience. It reminds me of a time MANY years ago when I was in high school, hanging out with a group of kids, some of whom used words I had been told were not in good taste. Although I never said anything, whenever one of the boys let one slip, he’d turn to me and say, “Oops. Sorry, Ann.” Finally, one of the other girls protested, “Hey, how come you apologize to her and not to US?” Without missing a beat, he replied, “Because Ann’s a lady.” (Awkward silence, the someone changed the subject.)

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    1. Oh my! When there are small children around, that can be a “moral dilemma.” Maybe you could use the assistant principal’s approach with the adults to good-naturedly remind the parents of their responsibility to set a better example for their kids.
      P.S. – You have GREAT-grandchildren! Your family must marry young. (I have some catching up to do. 😉 )

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      1. I have just one great-grandson, he is ten years old. I love him so much. My husband, who is four years older than me, has a total of seven great-grandchildren. His oldest great-grandchild is seven. I married the first time when I was 16 and my first child was born when I was 18. Very young, indeed.

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  4. I agree. Your word game with your former students was a great idea. It’s all about respecting the Good Lord, yourself, and the air space of others. So many are using God’s name in vain now like it’s just another meaningless expletive! Christians should set a good example and not be part of the epidemic. Good post, Annie! 🙂

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  6. Annie, I love the word game you did with your students! At the same time, I get tired of offensive language, especially hearing it in public. If I still had young children, I would be more proactive in dealing with it when I (and especially they) heard it. The other thing I would say is that it’s a lot different hearing it (because of the 3rd commandment) from a believer than an unbeliever. On the other hand, I confess that I can put up with bad language in movies and shows more easily than in real life.

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    1. I agree, Keith. It depends largely on who’s speaking, and we should respond accordingly. With young children, especially our own children or grandchildren, the approach will be much different. For me, the example was set in our home by my parents who were both godly and educated.

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  7. I enjoyed the post. I know a Christian woman who regularly uses potty words because she says she desires to be “real.” I gather she desires to come across as an “edgy” Christian rather than a “sanctimonious church-lady.” I mentioned Ephesians 4:29 and our testimony to unbelievers, but she thinks the foul talk makes her more “relatable” to the unsaved.

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    1. Tom, I don’t believe that approach will work, simply because if we conform to the way others are speaking and acting, how will they see anything different in us that they desire for themselves? If the unsaved just want to “relate,” they have plenty of other sinners to relate to, and I doubt much will come of a friendship based on lowering one’s standards. She might want to try one of these other approaches. (Feel free to share.)

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      1. Thanks, Annie. Her argument isn’t Biblical or even rational. That’s right. Why would unbelievers desire something if it appears identical to the same muck they currently have? I’ve pointed that out to her. I’ve witnessed other believers being distraught over her potty language and she says they’re being pharisaical.

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  9. Ha! I love the game you used to play with the students. One of my primary objections to all the swearing is that it is so incredibly lazy. If you are going to insult people, at least put your whole heart into it and use some more colorful language. It is one thing to have intense and passionate emotions but it is quite another thing to bore us all to tears with your lazy vocabulary. 🙂

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  10. I think I have gotten a bit desensitised to how often we hear it on tv or even from some people. And the ease with which it is used nowadays makes it a challenge for younger people to not give in to speaking in a similar manner.

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  11. Amen! Have you ever played the Shakespearean insult game?
    We played in my lit class, and the kids loved it! I found a website that had three columns of words and phrases from Shakespeare’s plays – two columns of adjectives and one of nouns. Kids would insult each other in pairs, taking turns building their insults by saying “Thou” followed by a word from each column. Ex: “Thou sniveling, lily-livered poultroon!” Reply: “Thou ill-tempered, foul-mouthed termigant!”

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    1. This brings back a funny memory. My dad was well-read and loved Shakespeare. Sometimes Dad would use big words around us and then tell us to go look them up when we didn’t know what he meant. Dad was a very godly man, by the way. We loved teasing him and sometimes he would respond with this phrase from Shakespeare – “Fie and a pox on you!” One day we looked it up and found that it means venereal disease. We couldn’t wait to tell Dad. He was horrified at what he had been telling us and we never stopped teasing him about it over the years. 🙂

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  12. This is great advice for this crass age we live in today. I remember our young son running in the house years ago and very seriously telling me that one of his friends had said a bad word. He continued by telling me that this friend had said, “shut-up.” It was hard not to smile. We were so particular about our children’s speech that he thought this “not allowed” phrase was tantamount to cursing. How tame that seems compared to today!

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    1. Patty, as a substitute teacher, I once left a note to the regular teacher – which I didn’t have to do. (Lesson learned.) – reporting that some students had been acting “stupid.” I was put on probation, even though I had put the word in quotes. The students themselves had used that word, telling me they couldn’t (wouldn’t) do the assignment, because they were “too stoopid.” I had told them I didn’t believe they were stupid and had made them do it. Strange, how much we let kids get away with, but a teacher is disciplined for (allegedly) saying a word that might offend some young person’s sensitivity.

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    2. Thanks, Patty, but as I look back on that season of my life – or rather, that time of a change of season, I believe the Lord wanted me to spend more time writing. While I missed the kids, and my heart hurt from being pushed out (the only way I would have left), I realized the Lord had His plan for me, and I needed to keep my eyes on Him. I now have five books (and one almost ready for publication) and a blog reaching people all over the world. So, He can use anything to advance His plan, even people’s silliness (including mine. 😉 )

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  13. This is very thorough, Annie. It truly seems to be cultural epidemic of the mouth. Desensitization is a huge factor. People feel free to utilize potty mouth verbage due to the repetitive loop around them. It can be habitual, too. Sad. It says much about our culture. God’s grip. – Alan

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  16. My little brother used to make me so mad. He knew how to push my buttons. I remember one time I let the f bomb fly and although he was the instigator, I was punished. And then there was my Grandma…who would take us into the bathroom and get out that bar of soap…😅 is that where the name “potty mouth” came from?

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  17. I never got the soap, but I imagine it would have cured me. 😏 I went to a private, all-girls school, and my exposure to that kind of language was little to non-existent until I was well into my teens, so thankfully it was never part of my mindset. Today’s poor kids, though … 😕

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  20. Annie, you sound like a teacher I would have adored. Your “jargon jail” is such a creative way to expand vocabulary and cause students to slow down and think about word choices. I need to tuck that into my mental archives and pull out when appropriate. I also love the Shakespearean insult game you shared in the comments. I got a great belly laugh from that.

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