Rebuke from the Still, Small Voice” (Don’t Judge Me!” Part 6)

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“In your anger, do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. – Ephesians 4:26-27

I want to preface this story by saying that I’m not the person I was when this happened forty-five years ago! Back then I was a 25-year-old new mother, a city girl, now living in a “little house in the big woods” in Michigan. (The woods weren’t that big, I suppose, but you get the scenario; spoiled brat in the process of being un-spoiled.)

It was an even longer, colder, snowier winter than usual. I had a bad case of cabin fever, having been stuck inside with the baby for most of the week. I’d had to put someone else’s needs ahead of my own. Poor me.

My dear husband had spoken to me earlier in the week about the possibility of watching baby Joanna for an hour or two, so that I could get out and do a little cross-country skiing. It didn’t have to be cross-country skiing. It didn’t have to be anything, as long as I could just get out of the house and have a little “me time.”

But it hadn’t worked out that way. Marty had ended up being gone most of the day, “doing his thing,” and by the time he returned, the few hours of January daylight were about gone. And I was mad.

In those days Marty didn’t always notice when I was peeved, and I wasn’t about to tell him. After all, a man is supposed to be able to read his wife’s mind, right girls?

So, instead of the doing the reasonable thing and talking to him about my disappointment, which, after all, would put a real damper on the pity party I was planning, I lay awake that night, stewing. The fact that my husband was sleeping like a baby infuriated me even more.

Finally, at about midnight, give or take a few growls and sighs, I decided to get up and go out. Never mind that there was nowhere to go.

Let’s see how he likes being left with the baby! I thought. I knew darn well that when Joanna woke up hungry and fussy, he’d have nothing to give her. I didn’t leave a note telling him where I was going … because I didn’t know.

Starting the car, I half expected Marty to come running out to see what was happening, but he was a much sounder sleeper than that. So, I headed into “town.”

Onekama’s streets were predictably deserted when I got to the village limits. The Christmas lights had been taken down, and their absence made the streets seem even darker. I was a bit surprised to see the lights on in the little church I attended on Sundays. I didn’t see any other cars when I parked and got out, but I went up and tried the door anyway. I was surprised to find it unlocked. I stepped into the sanctuary, walked down the aisle and sat down in the front pew.

I’d like to say I was “pouring my heart out to the Lord,” but to be honest, I was basically b*tching to Him about my lousy husband’s lack of consideration.

I don’t know how long I stayed there, but I guess at some point the Almighty decided He’d had enough. I heard a loud click, and suddenly I was in the dark. With a slight shudder I decided that maybe it was time for me to be on my way…

I wish I could say I did the sensible thing and went home, but I wasn’t through bit– er, venting. I drove in the opposite direction, as once again the snow began to fly. I should have asked myself where I was going and just what did I plan to do if/when I got there. Or what might happen if I ran out of gas or got stuck in a snowbank.

I blubbered through another pitiful tirade (making everything about me, of course), ending with “YOU understand how I feel, don’t You?”

And then, for the first time I listened, and God finally got a word in edgewise.

Of course I do, the Still, Small Voice said gently.

Then after a pause, He added, still gently but firmly, I also know how Marty feels, and you don’t. So why don’t you just go home now?

Thoroughly rebuked by those few words, I stopped, sheepishly turned the car around, and headed back.

I wondered what I would find when I got there. Would Joanna be awake, hungry, and hysterical? Would Marty be up, pacing, sick with worry? Would he be contrite? – or would he be (rightly) angry?

But as I walked up to the door, the house was as silent as the snow falling outside. My husband and my baby were both sound asleep, blissfully unaware that anything out of the ordinary had happened.

Quietly, I shut the door behind me, and the moment I did, I heard Joanna’s whimper. I sighed wearily and headed into the nursery. Upon seeing her, I smiled. How I loved that baby girl! I scooped her up, held her close, fed her, changed her diaper, sang and rocked her, and laid her back down. Then, finally, I let it all go and sank back into the bed by my husband, who never stirred until the morning light.

Prayer: Lord, thank You that I am not who I was! Thank You for Your patience through all my tantrums and pity parties. Thanks for protecting me through foolish and dangerous choices. Thank You for loving me right where I was – but loving me too much to leave me there. Help me to keep growing and becoming the person You created me to be. In Jesus’ name, amen.

P.S. When Still, Small, Voice spoke to me that night, He could well have been saying, little lamb, You. Have. NO. IDEA. A few nights ago, after 45 years, I learned for the first time what had happened to Marty one day – possibly that same day – when he was out in the snow. I’ll tell y’all about it next week.

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Published by seekingdivineperspective

I am a forgiven sinner and adopted child of God, seeking to see life from His perspective - as opposed to the world's flawed perspective - and living my life accordingly.

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42 thoughts on “Rebuke from the Still, Small Voice” (Don’t Judge Me!” Part 6)”

  1. Oh my, yes, this post was me all those years ago. And darn if I don’t still go there sometimes. The difference is that my peeves don’t last nearly as long, and I’m much better at speaking my mind, once I’ve cooled off or stopped sitting on my pity pot.

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  4. Annie, I really appreciate your transparency; we’ve all been there. Well, we men haven’t been there in exactly the same way you were that night, but you get my drift. I’m so thankful for how the Lord spoke to you that night–and how your love came through for your baby girl!

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    1. Yes, Susan, praying now …
      Maybe the application is from the words I “heard” God tell me – that He alone knew how my husband felt (and why), and that it helps to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
      Another thought (not my original, but I agree.) – I heard it said lately that a strong marriage is made up of two people who are very good forgivers.

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      1. My husband is talking as if he will not live til Christmas. He’s in much physical pain. The red tape to get tests done to address his various issues through the VA system is long and arduous. He’s off his psych meds. He’s being very curt with me and is making most things my fault. I’m not saying I have no part in what is causing conflict, but I am trying my best to be a problem solver and not a finger pointer. Thank you for your prayers. Not sure how dire things are here.

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      2. Hi Susan, I have a veteran husband who is currently going through some tough health issues, so my heart really goes out to you. I said a prayer for you and your husband just now. I also want to tell you that Annie left a very loving, lengthy reply to your comment here. However, she did not post it as a reply directly to your comment, she posted it as a separate comment, underneath yours. I figure that you may not have seen Annie’s reply, since WP only notifies us when we get a direct response to our comments. If that is the case, I urge you to click on this post again and check out Annie’s answer that she left under your comment.

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      5. Indeed He is and I cherish your prayers. My husband is bi-polar as well as dealing with the chronic pain and he has his own pass memories and abuses to deal with. Please continue to pray for us. Thanks and Yeshua’s Blessings upon you and yours.

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  8. Oh wow, I can see why you’re hurting. I’m sure you know that in these situations “It’s the pain talking,” but it’s so hard to remember that and not take it personally when it gets taken out on you! 😥
    There are two “therapies” I find helpful – music and laughter. If you aren’t already, maybe you can be playing worship music in your home or car. (Demons hate that stuff.😏) Since God inhabits the praises of His people, worship songs will usher in His presence. Not that He isn’t already with you, but the music can help you FEEL it more, as you focus on good lyrics, especially if they’re Scripture. I try not to let my feelings dictate my words and behavior, but when I can focus my thoughts in the right direction, I can get the kind of emotions that make it easier to have a positive attitude that lines up with God’s truth.

    Laughter is great medicine, too. (Proverbs 17:22) If you have YouTube, find some Dry Bar videos (clean stand-up comedy) or recent episodes of “The Red Green Show,” and try just spending some time laughing together. (I watch Red Green when I’m doing my physical therapy, and I get some good belly laughs that help me as much as the stretches and crunches.)
    I’ll keep you in my prayers.🙏 Let me know how you’re doing. If you’d rather email me, my address is bascha3870@yahoo.com.

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    1. Thanks to Linda Lee telling me you posted this comment, so sorry it took so long to respond. I do do dry bar comedy, but haven’t heard of red green show, will check that out. There is studio c by some byu students, some of their stuff is funny. My kids think many of their skits are funny, I mostly think they are not so funny, but they are trying and trying to keep things clean. Viva la dirt league is funny, but maybe only for gamers. I do like some of the snl stuff, but as a Christian, much of their stuff is very cringy. Mad tv, same, as a Christian, can be cringy. As a “theater” person and a artzy craftzy person, I try to appreciate talent, uniqueness and creativeness while also maintaining my relationship with Christ. People can judge, I don’t care as we live with non-Christian people and have to have some type of public relations with them. Artistic expression comes in many forms and as Christians we should try to relate to other people as best we can while maintaining our witness, IMO. That’s not always easy and each person decides what that looks like, so that can very often be relative. We take one day at a time and one person at a time.

      Going back to my original comment – my husband is doing a little better and all the prayers are helping. Please don’t stop as getting out of the woods, if we ever will, is still a distance away. Living with mental illness and physical pain is draining, but doable with Christ. One day we will get to shed these mortal bodies and everything will be perfect.

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      1. Amen! What a beautiful day that will be!
        I appreciate the clean humor, too. In recommending Red Green, I should mention that there are about 300 episodes, and they have gotten funnier over the years. My favorite episodes are in the 200’s.

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  9. God is so good and patient with us and I am so thankful. About expecting our husbands to read our minds, have done that when I was younger too but have learnt that is definitely not the case 😂.

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  11. As a young mother, I often wanted to escape to a hotel for the night or mercifully just sleep in the car! In the early years of my marriage, I couldn’t read my husbands mind. But forty-two years later I think I got pretty good at it! Thanks, Annie, for sharing your account that many mothers will identify with and that will help them not feel so bad about their battle fatigue!

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  12. I’m another who could see her younger self in your story, Annie. I DIDN’T realize there were so many of us who struggled with the same emotions at that stage of life! Praise God he does indeed work within us, refining us to his good purpose (Philippians 2:12). I’m not the same person I once was either–Hallelujah! (Not that God doesn’t still have work to do on me, but he’s making progress!)

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    1. Nancy, I have a ways to go, too. Even just having written this story I had something happen that stirred up all the same emotions and reminded me that I can still feel that way, even after all these years. This time I just took a short walk on the beach until I had reminded myself that emotions are not to be calling the shots and dictating my behavior. But I was still a bit disappointed in myself. 😕

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      1. Ah, but PROGRESS toward perfection is worth celebrating. A mindful walk on the beach in response to your circumstances is a perfect example! Well done, Annie!

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  15. The ending made me shudder. I can’t wait to hear what happened with Marty.

    The part about you driving after midnight and still being able to walk into church slightly upset me. Growing up, I was used to being able to walk into any church any time of day or night. Now, you’re lucky if it’s open an hour before or after mass 😦

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    1. I agree, Goldie. I remember even in my younger days, if I found a church locked at any time of the day or night, I would think, “That’s not right!”
      But I guess churches have a lot of expensive sound equipment now, and safety issues … It’s sad that Man’s fallenness has made it necessary to lock people out of “God’s house.”

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  16. True, they could lock up their valuables. Still, I guess there are safety issues, and I wouldn’t hold it against them (think they’re faithless) to want to lock out predators and vandals. The things haters have done to churches on the outside, who knows what they’d do to the inside?

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