Some New Year’s Tips for Atheists

When you ask, you do not receive, because …

                                                                                                        James 4:3a

To my atheist friends:

While the Christians in your life are talking about doing more in the new year to get closer to God – praying more, reading the Bible more, etc. – do you just wish you could get to the end of this coming year having proven to them that prayer is useless, that God doesn’t answer prayer, because there IS no God? Here’s a suggestion:

You could spend the year “praying” to their “God” and at the end of the year tell them that He didn’t answer a single one of your prayers. It may not dissuade them from their faith, but at least it might get them to leave you alone about it.

Oddly, the Bible gives some helpful guidelines on how to make sure your prayers don’t get answered. Here, then, are the

Top Ten Ways to Guarantee Your Prayers Won’t Get Answered*                                                        (With Apologies to David Letterman)

[10- 1/2, if you’re a married man: Disrespect and mistreat your wife. (I Peter 3:7) ]

10. Give God tiny bits of your leftover time and second-rate resources, and reserve the best for other things. Squander your time, but hoard your stuff; don’t tithe. (Malachi 3:8-10) Fill your day/mind with secular media nonstop, so God can’t get a word in edgewise. (Romans 12:2)

9. Avoid that person you’ve been having a problem with, or who has a problem with you. (Matthew 5:23 & 24)

8. Accuse God of not understanding how important this is; He’s just not as smart as you are. (Isaiah 55: 8 & 9) Believe that health and wealth are the most important things, and if you aren’t healthy and wealthy, God must not care about you. (II Corinthians 12:7-10)

7. Ask once. Then if nothing happens right away, give up. Say, “See? I knew it wouldn’t work.” (Luke 18:1)

6. After saying “Amen,” immediately tell yourself all the reasons God’s probably not going to answer. For extra assurance, tell others, too. (James 1:6 & 7)

5. Keep God confined to one small area in your life, away from all the everyday events and far from any guilty pleasures, bad habits, and secret sins; He wouldn’t want to be around all that stuff, anyway. (Psalm 66:18)

4. Make a list of all the bad things that have been done to you, and who did it. Memorize it and recite it often. Share it with others and invite them to be offended with you. (Mark 11: 24 & 25)

3. Ignore what God has done for you in the past, or complain about the way He did it or about what He hasn’t done. Whatever you do, don’t be grateful! (Philippians 4:6)

2. Ask not what you can do for God; ask what He can do for you.(James 4:3)

… and the Number One way to make sure your prayers don’t get answered:

Don’t pray. (James 4:2)

And now I’m going to close with a prayer for my friends who are believers:

Prayer: Lord God, we know You hear every one of our prayers, even those that are foolish. Thank You for not giving us what we ask for when we ask foolishly. We acknowledge that You know what’s best for us, You desire what’s best for us, and You are able to do what is best for us. All-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God, thank You that You are for us, not against us, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

*Excerpted from BARRIERS (So, if prayers are so powerful, how come mine don’t get answered?)      by Ann Aschauer, available on Amazon, or directly from the author (yours truly). Email me at bascha3870@yahoo.com for details.

35 thoughts on “Some New Year’s Tips for Atheists

    1. That’s who it was originally written for, David. It’s an appendix from my book “BARRIERS (So, if prayers are so powerful, how come mine don’t get answered?)” By the time the reader has arrived at that part of the book, (s)he SHOULD know better. This was a review of sorts. Just thought I’d post it today for atheists who don’t want to get caught proving the opposite of what they assert. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I think most of us can say that, Debi Sue. At one time I had this list printed as a bookmark, but with questions instead of “advice” (“Am I giving God leftovers of my time?” etc.) as a sort of checklist for troubleshooting when praying, or when wondering why our prayers aren’t seeing results.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. First, congratulations on your book Ann!! I think I’ve been guilty of every single item on this list at one time or more. Not proud!!! I pray your book has success; since it’s sold out on Amazon, I guess it must be a huge success!! Double congratulations!

    Liked by 1 person

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